“The Union ,” as it is affectionately called among students, is something like an office building with a food court, even a bit like a mini mall, but really nothing like a jungle. Unfortunately, nobody informed the event’s coordinators of this fact, so large areas of the lobby were naively plastered with paper vines and foliage. Nobody was fooled.
On top of the childish decorating scheme, Phlagleblast also boasted a roaming magician, and a balloon artist. A trained magician I can understand, but how a simple balloon artist would manage to survive in the jungle is beyond me.
Where are we, a six-year-old’s birthday party? Where’s the clown and slip’n’slide? This is open house at a university multipurpose complex not a grade school dance. We only do this once a year for crying out loud; let’s hire a good dj, get a keg, and barbeque some ribs.
To get people walking around the building, everyone entering the jungle was given a large card with a checklist and instructions for the scavenger hunt. Essentially, every business and office in the building had a different stamp for you to collect, they also all gave out free crap to help you justify all that exercise. If you got a stamp from every booth on all three floors you could enter your card in a drawing to win one of several covetable prizes like an Ipad, a new mountain bike, or a two-person Dr. Pepper tent.
Apart from the tent, I was disappointed. This stamp gathering business was supposed to acquaint students with all the nooks and crannies of the union which they would otherwise never see, and in my opinion it was a joke. Sure in theory it got the students to physically walk through an area of the building, but it required nothing more than wordlessly waving your checklist under the noses of anyone with a stamp in their hand. My card was completed in less than 20 minutes and I hadn’t learned a single thing.
I think that whoever organizes this thing needs to adopt a new approach if they want people to really understand the Union . The scavenger hunt was a good start, but prizes that expensive could have commanded a lot more effort from students than just skipping through an all you can eat stamp buffet. Students could learn and remember more if we came up with a mechanism to keep them engaged for longer than a few seconds.
What if the stamps were more like jeopardy questions? The card could have brief descriptions of all the different offices and businesses –their role, functions and services- but blank titles.
An example: “Get coffee & espresso, panini, soups and salads here. We also have daily specials at our grill. You can eat here in our dining area or take your food to-go.”
To get this stamp, the student has to match this description to the proper shop (obviously the Java City Buzz), but by reading the description he or she has actually learned a little something about this shop and what it offers. There would of course be hints like this applying to all restaurants, student services offices, the game room, and everyone else in the building.
They advertise a big party; lure students into the Union with free crap; use the real expensive stuff to get us scavenging every corner of the building and in the process most of us should absorb at least a rudimentary idea of how the union operates. I see what the coordinators were trying to do, but while having everyone give away free stuff is a great way to get students off the beaten path, far too much emphasis fell on collecting booty while the getting was good, and maybe not enough fell on the Union.
Even the event’s name, “Phlagleblast,” is of dubious origin. One possible root comes from the Dutch “phlagele” for a romantic surprise, and “blats” meaning to beat without mercy. Another translation comes from “flaangeblwts,” a Gaelic word for the old bait-and-switch.
In truth, the name “Phlagleblast” is completely meaningless and only serves as a colorful misnomer to make an open house sound like a lot more fun than it really is.
Just for the record, I published my opinion of this "joke" a day before you.
ReplyDeleteBut also, I loved "all you can eat stamp buffet." Sorta wish I thought of that. But I think I was busy hating the world instead.
Also, I think your column is best represented by the 3rd to last paragraph. You pretty much nail it there, man. Well done.
You nailed it! Thanks to your excellent detail we can relive this lame event all over again! The suggestions for future Student Union open houses are, as Kenny Bania from Seinfeld would say, "Gold, Jerry! Gold! They should put this columnist in charge of future events! The last four sentences are as funny as anything I've ever read in Dave Berry's columns.
ReplyDeleteThe columnist would appear to be cultivating a reputation as a grouch - and a funny one at that.
ReplyDeleteAfter several paragraphs criticizing the decor, he writes:
"A trained magician I can understand, but how a simple balloon artist would manage to survive in the jungle is beyond me. "
Almost spit my tea out on my keyboard.
The column breaks down a little when the writer tries to offer suggestions how to make the event more meaningful. Those comments are somewhat at odds, stylewise, with the witty parts of the column - and there are plenty of those.
Example:
"We only do this once a year for crying out loud; let’s hire a good dj, get a keg, and barbeque some ribs."
Another spot where I almost splattered the keyboard.
Overall, quite amusing, generally well written.
And it reads quickly... as quick as a run through the a fake jungle.